5 A.M. Rambling

Hey big brother – ignore this post… I’m okay, or will be soon

I’m here on the nasty school computer at 5 A.M. because I needed to take a break from my stinkin work that isn’t going anywhere that needs to be hung within the next 24 hours. I don’t know if I can make it honestly. So much has been going on in my life and I can only really blame myself. I lost a boyfriend and someone who meant the world to me all in one month. The boyfriend thing, well, that was coming for a long long time now, it was something that should of been addressed when I first started school up here if I wasn’t so depressed at the time and needed someone to hold me up (which he really didn’t do a good job). And then him – the one who really means everything. I say that even though I chose someone instead because he really did and does mean everything. He was too good for me. I could never be good enough for him even if I was what he wanted. This was the last thing that I ever wanted to do but it happened. I can’t turn back the clock, I can’t change my heart just like that. I found someone that I can be totally honest with without fear of causing pain. I deserve every hateful thing you think or say about me. All I ever did was cause you pain and I hated myself for it, I still do. You never did anything wrong, I was the one who screwed up. I opened myself to possibilities and I found it somewhere unexpected. I’m stick of screwing everything up. I screwed up with Mark, I screwed up with you, I can’t keep feeling terrible all the time. I am so sorry for what I did to you and I hope one day you can forgive me… and him but I know that is asking too much. I don’t deserve your forgiveness any more. I asked for it once and you gave it to me, I can’t ask for it again. I don’t want to loose you and I know that I did because of this. I wish I could talk to you again. I wish I could of seen you again and tell you that I’m sorry in person. I’m not allowed to ask anything of you anymore, you have every right to fully shut me out of your life but I hope one day that you’ll let me back in, at least a little bit and invite me to your wedding to someone who deserves and loves you more then anything.

You really do mean everything to me and I’m sorry


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