As I just did I quick glance over my latest posts, I realize all I’ve done it post articles that I’m reading and nothing about anything else. I hope you’ve enjoyed my links, but I must rant now, hope you don’t mind.
Things are going really well here for me in New Jersey and I wish I could say the same for things in other cities. Besides the car problems (mainly flat tires) and the occasional feeling crappy (like right this second) and the waking up way too early (once again, like right now) and working til the wee hours (or starting to work in the wee hours like I will be in about an hour) and worrying about next year (a constant thing, no matter where I am) I really am warming up to New Jersey and my program here at Montclair. People who know me know that I was having major problems with everything that had to do with New Jersey (almost everything, living in the dorm was actually a plus, I really like my roommates – I got extremely lucky) but my look on this town and this entire state has changed. It really is close to New York. It’s nice to be around a huge city. It actually makes me really miss Chicago (then I remember why I’m not there). I get to go see shows that I want to see like the Munch show at MoMA and then go to the gift shop and buy discounted Pixar stuff from the show that just closed, I get to hang out with my good friend Colin and drink coffee and watch bad movies with, I get to feel lost in a sea of people and actually enjoy it. While I was walking the 50 or so blocks from MoMA to Colin’s work (crazy, I know… I could of taken the train, but I decided to start walking since I had time to kill to clear my head, and then when it was closing onto 5 and about 14th St I was wishing I took a train) I actually thought “I could live here” but the question is, would I want to pay for it. I do actually miss living in a city. I walked a lot, Chinese food, where they knew my order when I said “Hello,” was delivered to me in all kinds of weather (sigh, I miss Jin House – and now it’s no more… the entire building burnt down) I was so close to everything and I tried to take advantage of living in the city as much as I possibly could… like going to Fourth of July… in our nation’s birthplace… I wouldn’t recommend it. I could live in a city again. At this point in time in my life, I could see me moving into a teeny tiny arms length (I KNOW people who know me are thinking… HA… she’s got way too much stuff) and starting over. I live in a tiny dorm room right now and I don’t mind it. Okay, at first, I did mind how I got the short end of the stick when it came to room in my dorm, but now, I don’t mind it. It is really cluttered, and I can barely see my floor and desk, but it’s home to me. I feel comfortable here. Okay, maybe not “home” since I do have these ideas about what “home” should be defined as, but it’s definitely a comfort to come here after working hard (or hardly working?) in my studio. I have friends here. I know that I can make friends, I know that I can actually make art that someone will notice, I know that I will and can survive after everything. I need to figure things out. I need to be able to decide what I want to do with my life without worrying about anything. I deserve some time for myself… right? When speaking about my art to a friend in a message, I said that it was still all about me (someone from high school who knew that all I did were self-portraits) but I was kinda being sarcastic in a way. I’m not the type of person who needs it to be all about me in general – at least I don’t think I’m that type of person. The work I’ve done in the past has to do about finding myself and now I think it’s about coming to terms with who I am and why. The why is what I really need to figure out now. Alright, it’s 6 AM, I need to get some art done today before classes start.
Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it… especially to those who actually know what’s going on.